3 Things I’ve Learned from Teaching Black High School Students about Sex and Relationships
Back in February, one of my high school guidance counselors reached out to me to ask if I would be willing to facilitate a workshop in honor of Valentine’s Day for a group of current high school students.
The workshop has historically been known as: Love Jones and typically takes on a theme of love and relationships. Based on my experience with the workshop last year, my answer was simple: “Of course.”
Note: Typically when someone brings you in to talk about “love and relationships” all the students really want to talk about is sex. Not solely because they’re sex crazed but I’ve learned that it has a lot to do with how we starve Black youth of opportunities to learn about and explore the nuances of intimacy and relationships.
Now, I’ve given an iteration of this workshop on several occasions and in the beginning, I always came with the same conclusion: “I really wish that we had more time.” So much so, that I’ve had to learn how to bend time (word to Alexis Pauline Gumbs and adrienne marie brown) and use the time that we have and make it as close to “enough” as possible. To cut through the niceties that normally surround conversations like these with students like these and create the space for them to interrogate and challenge their own beliefs of the world. The room is a portal into the new world and we need more of them.
I have found that regardless of the school, the following is consistent:
#1. They want to learn how to protect themselves.
I have seen students with furrowed brows write on Post-It notes, fold them neatly, and pass them off with anxiety. The notes say things like, “Why are boys never satisfied?” or “Why do we pressure each other into sex?” or the occasional “What is squirting?” LOL. If you sit a group of young people in a room and they feel safe enough to express themselves freely, it wont take long for their desire for guidance to be shared.
#2. Young people are being exposed to harm because adults are uncomfortable with providing them with guidance.
It is my honest belief that if we are not willing to do the work of ensuring that our young people know how to be in relationship with one another, we as a community are not doing what needs to be done. Take a look at the world, steeped in non-consensual sex, oozing in violence, dripping blood but repulsing menstruation. How do we dare to perform shock when we learn that one of our own has caused or perpetuated harm? How do we expect for #1 the world to change and #2 our kids to know right from wrong if we do not create opportunities for them to learn? If we aren’t explicit about what is and isn’t acceptable? If we constantly violate their boundaries how do we expect them to erect them in their personal relationships?
#3. They are listening to us.
They hear everything, even when we think they’re not listening. Before I started doing these workshops, I don’t think that it occurred to me how early we’re dipped in patriarchy. More specifically, they learn how they feel about themselves and their relationships with others based on the boundaries that we don’t set, the unkind words that we say about our bodies, the judgement we voice about people who live differently than you, all of it. They hear it and then they go into the world and perpetuate it. I cannot begin to express how important it is for us to investigate our views and check our biases - if not for ourselves, but for them. So that they learn how to love themselves and can reflect that love towards others.
Of course, I am not saying this process is easy but many of the most important things in life aren’t easy. Regardless of the difficulty, it needs to be done and it starts with adults learning how to be in right relationship with ourselves and others with patriarchy, power, love, and care as a central tenets of this learning. We can not afford to pass down more bullshit nor can we afford to be silent.
Get you some bell hooks and get to work!